In honor of the second-best prank ever pulled on me... I want to tell you one of my favorite Christmas bedtime stories... I present to you the story of Curbie, Santa's watchdog.
Most people know the story of Santa Claus. Big guy. Beard. Jovial spirit. Picture Paul Giamatti in a hat. Well, things have changed since the good ol' days.
The first Santa Claus, Nick, was your stereotypical Santa Claus. In 2007, we are actually seeing the 1,225th Santa Claus. The CTR&SFSC (Committee To Research And Scout For Future Santa Clauses) are actively scouring the world for "stereotypical" Claus replacements. For reasons we cannot specify, Santa Claus has a shelf-life of 2-3 years. The Claus & Reindeer Crap Removal Union is up in arms, as I'm sure you can appreciate. Three years is not a long lifespan. Santa Claus needs better working conditions! After the Steroid Scandal surrounding #1223rd Santa Claus, the CTR&SFSC had to change the characteristics of Santa Claus. (You'll have to Google the story of 1,223rd Claus' Roid Rage. What he did to the reindeer.... not pretty...)
But I digress. Claus #1225 was nothing like the stereotype. #1225 was 80lbs soaking wet. Beanpole. And while it's commonly known that the North Pole Technological Society is decades ahead of modern society, there are still limitations to having a beanpole for a Claus. Sure, and elf/robot hybrid (called iElf - Apple's got the rights to the device in 2015) can do the work of loading the sleigh, and Claus #1189 did develop that cool levitation device that floats the gifts straight down the chimney (w/o Claus having to go down himself). There was one problem that the North Pole Technological Society couldn't handle.
Unfortunately, greed has struck our holiday world, and ever since the showdown with Claus#1024, the Easter Bunny (currently up to #1,523,356,938,267) has been putting hits out on Claus whenever possible, trying to tarnish the luster of Christmas. After all, if Christmas looks bad, then maybe the retail-centric cash cows would take the jingle away from the bells... instead maybe we'd see jingle eggs? After all, isn't that what Easter is really about?
Digressing again. So the NPTS couldn't compensate for Bunny henchmen (after all, they outnumbered Claus' crew almost 50 to 1). So, NPTS and CTR&SFSC did what anyone else would do during this situation. They bought a dog.
Meet Curbie, Santa's watchdog. He may look small, but this guy kills bunnies quicker than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
Claus #1224 unfortunately had the pleasure of doing a trial run with Curbie. NPTS decided to do Christmas Eve walkthrough back in August in New Mexico (out by Area 51). #1224 was never seen again. The sleigh was found in Arizona, and Curbie has had the hat on ever since. Some say that #1224 escaped to Vegas to gamble away some of the money he saved (he did recently switch to Geico for sleigh insurance). Some say that Curbie pulled a "Glenn" on #1224. Personally, I think #1224 is playing Halo 3 with the rest of the Flood hanging out at Area 51. But last time I was there, #1224 was definitely not there. (Master Chief says hey).
With #1223s Roid Rage, and #1224s mysterious disappearance, CTR&SFSC is actually very nervous about the skill level of #1225 (Codename: Beanpole). As you can imagine, the CTR&SFSC went into overdrive to recruit and train #1225. He had a long way to go, and hopefully he'll get his 80lb act together and get the job done. With the help of Curbie, everything should be fine.
There was that rumor that Curbie might be working for the Leprechauns in an attempt to dethrone the English for the Irish (everyone knows that Claus is English). But surely that is just a rumor, #1224 is only hanging out with the aliens, and I have WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME to come up with this randomality.
To my EMPS Bri, Pri, and Cait, enjoy your prank. To misquote Romans 12:19 - "Vengeance is mine ... saith the Lord".